At my emotional worst I made a tough decision. In
order to end my alcoholism I decided I must end
myself. Life was no longer worth living if alcohol had
to constantly be the villain. I might not be able to
stop drinking, but I certainly could stop myself. My life
seemed to be a complete disaster area beyond repair.
No education, no job, no money, no bank account, no
car, few possessions and no direction or hope.
Then in the early morning hours of August 10, 1995 I
tried with all my might to take my own life but I found
out there was something else I did not possess. It was
courage. Two decades of blackout drinking had turned
me into a coward.
Unable to live and too cowardly to die I found myself
trapped in a horrible crevice. I stood in the darkness,
drunk and sobbing, not knowing what to do. Within
moments, as if by instinct, I dropped to my knees and
started to pray. Miraculously, I found myself in treatment
eight hours later. But treatment was a place I had
visited many times before, always in a futile attempt to
get my life back. Deep inside, I had a feeling this was
going to be my last chance at sobering up.
Several days later I paced the floor with a pen and
paper in hand. My fourth day sober proved to be a pivotal
day that would forever change my life. I could sign
myself out and walk away. Or, I could find the courage
needed to get through this program and attempt to
live a sober and meaningful life.
I must always remember that to end my life does not
end my alcoholism. It would actually do the opposite.
Ending my life would forever sadden my family and
friends. Potential remains unrealized. I would always
be a tearful memory and emotional scar to those who
loved me most. And the wrath of alcohol would forever
To survive and eventually thrive without the aid of alcohol
is where the seed of creative ability is born. The
trials of one’s journey become the roadmap for others
to follow. Thoughts of death bow to hope. Emptiness
is replaced with abundance. Life is granted, children
now exist and a bright future replaces distant suicidal
thoughts. However the gifts of sobriety remain blind
to those enthralled in drunkenness.
Alcoholism is a dark, dramatic and emotionally cluttered
existence that usually leads to a premature death.
Alcohol lives inside of us and dictates what we do and
who we do it with. It does not negotiate and it crushes
one with a life dominated by doubt and certain doom.
I now live my life free of the crushing doom of alcohol.
By choosing to remain alive many years ago, others can
now survive, exist and thrive. My life is not always easy
but it is always alcohol free.