Searching

I was born an alcoholic and I will die an alcoholic. In
between I search for, and attempt to, perfect my sobriety.
Long before I took my first drink my behaviors, if
read correctly, shouted “alcoholic”. Long after my final
drink my behaviors were still shouting …”Alcoholic”!
In between birth and my final breath the crippling
toxin known as alcohol exists. Before alcohol I was a
victim of panic, depression, anger and anxiety. Intense
fear also became a huge factor in my daily life.
During alcohol, the panic, depression, anger and
anxiety increased. The intense fear I was experiencing
started causing me great physical pain. At first I drank
in hopes of making my emotional ailments go away.
After awhile I drank to forget who I was and what I
was feeling. I also drank to blind myself of what I was
becoming.

My life was a wreck and alcohol was no longer helping.
It would end up taking me a long time to realize that
alcohol never helped me. It was poison to me from the
very first time I ingested it. Alcohol convinced me to
do and say things I normally would not do or say. Alcohol
was the worst influence I ever had. Near the end
alcohol tried to coax me into taking my own life.
When I finally decided to put the bottle behind me is
when my search began to go somewhere. After alcohol
I was forced to look at the wreckage of my past. It
was a painful sight to swallow. I had to look at myself
in a way that was quite uncomfortable. I had to admit
to myself the pain I had caused others. I was cruel to
people and I took advantage of many financially.
After alcohol I came to grips with reality. My reality
consisted of many emotional problems which had
been allowed to control and dominate me for too long.
After alcohol I was beginning to find the courage to
deal with such problems and that in itself became a big
boost for my sobriety. Sobriety is a life long journey for
me.

I have completed, achieved and attained so much
since alcohol is no longer in charge. I am still however
searching for many things. Compassion, trust, faith and
tolerance are an important part of my sober life. After
alcohol it took me time to realize that I was not the
person alcohol had led me to believe.

After alcohol I began to develop patience because
sobriety takes a long, long time. Sobriety is a journey
that takes a life time. But it is a very rewarding journey
that begins the moment the bottle is put down. The
searching of self is at times grueling and overwhelming.
But the rewards along the way have always taken
me far away from any possible chance of relapse.